MY GREATEST FEAR IN LIFE
- Lately I've been thinking about sharing my greatest fear in my life, but I couldn't do it because I was too scared of people labeling me as over dramatic person so I keep it inside my heart, along with the pain that I've been holding it. It's like grasping a rose that full of thorns, all I need is support or someone to share the pain instead of me holding it alone. In 2017, I lost 6 people that close to me. I've started to feel scared of losing people and I wanted to share the pain with someone else but it didn't turn out so well. Instead of holding me, comforting me, people called me 'an over dramatic person'. I was shocked because I thought that I would get comfort for sharing my stories and experiences with other people but instead I got judged by a group of people. So that's why I keep it all to myself.
- I lost my best friend, the one who always been there for me when everyone would look down on me. The one who always reaching out for me when I'm on my knees. The one who would reach his hands for me when I'm starting to hating on this world. A week before he died, we had a fight. It's actually a misunderstanding and I was too ego to admit my mistakes. He would always reaching out for me even though we're not in a good condition because he knew that I didn't have anyone. But that night, I got a message from my high school friends and the texts said "Hakim got into an accident on his way to his university. He didn't make it." That moment I know, it's all my fault. If only I apologize to him before thing goes to shit. If only I realized that I'd rather having broken bones then myself turns to stone. If only I could listen to "I got you Adli, now let's go home." one last time.
- After he's gone, I'm starting to feel different. The feelings of hating and punishing myself starting to build up in my body. Every night, I keep on having nightmare of me hitting myself, torturing myself and hating on myself. Every night, I woke up from my nightmare and I feel worthless. I feel so lost, and scared of losing more and more people that close to me. But day by day, I tried to build up myself again because it is unhealthy. In 2018, I meet new people in my surroundings where they are ready to be with me and support me. But I didn't tell them anything about me because I'm still scared of people calling me 'an over dramatic person' and I didn't want them to get close to me because I'm scared of losing more people and I'm scared of hurting others.
- As I'm building myself up and raising for a better life, a truck of bad luck hit me by the end of 2018. Another close friend of mine died in an accident and I didn't even know about it until his family reach out to me and tell me about the incident. I was shocked and my body started to trembling like the world is unraveling. I couldn't control myself because the greatest fear in my life just came into my life and I don't know what to do other than blaming myself. I keep on asking "What kind of friend am I? What kind of person am I?" But luckily, a friend from my college called me and calm me down. He's saying that it is not my fault.
Months later, I told everyone that I overcome my fear and depression. But they didn't know it was just a lie.
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